Sunday, 14 December 2008

Enlightenment.

I haven't made it an effortless task for anyone to impact me, reach me, teach me. If anyone ever would get past the outer wall and even beyond the moat, there are always archers armed with flaming arrows and buckets of tar awaiting.

- not anymore. The barricades have been torn to the ground, moats filled and my trusted archers got their Christmas furlough they had been pinning there hopes on. (I'm still keeping the dragon, to be on the safe side.)

For the first time, in too long a time, I really feel liberated of myself. I, like I've mentioned before, have several voices in my head, some bellowing, others whispering. I haven't yet quite mastered to tell them apart. For some time now, the bellowing ones have been summoning all of my attention. I feel, however, that the whispering voices are not to be left unnoticed; that they are, dare I say, significantly more essential for my well being, as well as nurturing for the desired development of an educated and erudite mind. I will, in the light of my recent catharsis, let the subtle whispers of my mind come into my consciousness from now on.  

The liberation was brought on by yet another one of those days. A day on which I, somewhat instinctively it seems, seek to isolate and detach myself from all others. It may take on a form of physical seclusion, where I simply shy away from human contact by staying at home and under covers. On the other hand, if this option is not convenient for the time being, I might intentionally, to withdraw myself from others, resort to outright malicious remarks; which will grant me the opportunity to escape into my own little stronghold of sorts, behind my moats and archers.

Differing from most of days like these, yesterday my seemingly infallible vanishing act did not go according to plan. I was caught in the act, so to speak. Which resulted in mentioned catharsis and complete breakdown, in the middle of which I realized how confined and imprisoned I have been. I have caged myself, reducing myself to something far less impressive than I am capable of at best. Which, of course, will not do.

When the student is ready, the teacher appears. So thank you.

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