Sunday, 1 August 2010

Back to English.

I find it interesting how I seem to naturally fall into a certain language depending on my state of mind.

And I am acutely aware of which certain state of mind requires English to be expressed.

Today is the first of August. The start of a new year is upon me. As I have previously expressed, in whatever language, I count years in academic years. Whatever milestones I have achieved thus far in my life have been in some way related to school so it seems the most natural. Not to mention the fact that this way I get to start a new year in the best of weather conditions. (In theory.)

At least sunlight
will remain constant
and free of cost

I don't intend to gaze forward before revisiting the year that is now meeting its demise. Truthfully, I am not going to miss it. As enlightening as it has been.
But I do owe thanks to a handful of people who have shepherded me through it. Because I really have been a sheep for the better part of it. And a lion masquerading as a sheep will only tear up its costume and end up naked.

Today I find immense comfort in many things, and I am quite proud to say that not one of them is destructive to myself or others. Which is a first.
(Who knew folding paper and collecting memories could be so exciting?)

At times I do feel idle and redundant. ("At times" here meaning once every hour, of every day.) Then I realize that I never did do anything of value during those empty moments - I simply thought I did. Calling such a moment "drinking because it's Friday" or "having sex because I can" will not make it any less void of substance.

The boundaries of language
I quietly cursed

and all the different names

for the same thing.

Emptiness still scares me witless. Simultaneously I find tranquility in feeling it, because I know it will pass and then something wonderful will come along.
The problem, I believe, with filling those moments with seemingly meaningful activity is that that those activities seldom keep to their allotted spaces of time. They spread, and soon one's entire life consists of empty moments covered up with meaningless tasks.

I struggle to find direction or value in my life. Perhaps everyone feels an inherit need to be needed in some regard. I have been clinging desperately to the concept of belonging to a family. Because children provide their guardian with such excellent sense of responsibility.
And I have felt responsible for all my siblings for as long as I can remember. They are, all three of them, such extraordinary people it is difficult not to want to be in as close affinity with them as possible. But they deserve to be treated as equals by me. And I think I would enjoy not feeling like a parent for some time to come.
So I accept that I will miss them when I am away. And that I am not abandoning them when I leave.

All I need to do now is find some other meaning for everything I do. And that brings us to the commencing new year.

If not the moon
will us guide
will then the streetlight?

I am at the verge of probably the greatest adventure I have yet undertaken. In twenty-six days I will be throwing caution into the wind and moving to Japan for the autumn. By myself.
And it absolutely terrifies me.
(Actually it is probably the best thing that has happened to anyone, ever.)

Excitement. Thrill. Exhilaration. Rapture.

All things definitely worth living for.

And finding them in all places imaginable is a meaningful purpose. Be it reading an engaging book, defying a previous fear, paddling down a forceful river. Or touching someone whose smile is so disarming that you feel you might dissolve at any given time you have the pleasure of witnessing it.

If you touch me
well I just think

I'll scream
cause it's been so long since
someone challenged me.

In other words, I eagerly anticipate whatever this year might bring. I am really scared out of my mind and nervous and devastatingly infatuated and confused and disarranged and mostly completely without direction.

But I'm having the time of my life.

(I might add that I probably will be writing significantly more about Japan in the future.)

Monday, 31 May 2010

Om att finna sitt hem.

Terminen är slut nu. Mitt hyreskontrakt är slut nu.
Året är slut nu.

Det känns som att allt är slut nu.

Och för första gången någonsin

- känns det inte okej.

Jag vill inte åka.

Hér vill ég vera, hér á ég heima.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

Om ensamhet.

Ensamhet. Frihet. Två begrepp som jag insett är samma sak. Eller nej, inte samma sak, men de går hand i hand. (Vilket blir nästan lite ironiskt.)

Jag lider av en förlamande känsla av ensamhet - mest hela tiden. Jag kan umgås med folk och då är det lättare att ignorera känslan. Men den är där, konstant där, och äter upp mig inifrån.

Och det finns en bra anledning till dess närvaro. Man är ju ensam. Hela tiden. Det finns inget sätt att kringå det. Man kan som bäst vara ensam tillsammans med någon annan.

Men inte ens det är lätt att uppnå. För att känslan av frihet försvinner med det. Sekunden man tycker om en annan person börjar man kompromissa sig själv, och förändras. Det skrämmer mig mer än något annat. För att man så lätt glömmer bort sig själv.

Allt är ensamhetens fel. Han är svartsjuk av sig. Viskar små ord i örat för att skrämma en från att gå ut genom dörren. Han vill ha mig för sig själv. Vi har ju blivit så bra kompisar under åren.

Jag vet ju att jag inte kan hålla på så här. Jag måste vända ryggen mot ensamheten. Men närhet skrämmer mig. Jag vill inte att någon rör vid mig. Eller att någon ser igenom mig.

Fast egentligen vill jag. Jag är bara rädd att det någon ser i mig inte är nog.

Jag vill vara ensam tillsammans. För att det är bättre än att vara tillsammans med ensamheten.

Saturday, 22 May 2010

Ingen läser det här ändå.

När man sitter mitt i natten på en fredag och hoppas på att spindeln man delar rum med ska smyga sig fram och hälsa på en.

Det är då man vet.

Att man är rätt ensam.

(God natt.)

(Det hann bli lördag innan jag vågade publicera det här.)